But, yes. Everyone knows that Pocahontas is a film with an incredibly naïve worldview, a film with the audacity to pretend that everything's gonna be alright between European settlers and Native Americans from now on, and - furthermore - a film that abandons pretty much every genuinely interesting thing that actually happened in its subjects' lives for the sake of retelling The Fox and the Hound, as a romance, with human people. (I suppose there's also a healthy splash of far-less-magical-and-interesting The Little Mermaid in here, too.) But let's give them the benefit of the doubt, okay? Don't the majority of biopics oversimplify their subjects' lives and throw out the most uniquely interesting bits in favour of telling a more comfortably familiar story? That's just what they do, because, in all fairness, it's quite difficult to compress most interesting lives into less than two hours. Surely we can just put aside the pseudo-historicality of it and just enjoy it as a sweet and romantic romance, right??
Well, no. No matter what, Mel Gibson is always Mel Gibson. Even Disney Mel Gibson!
Seriously, what does this girl possibly see in John Smith? That's the nagging thought that was running through my mind all throughout this movie. Would you date him? I know I wouldn't (though, thankfully, he probably doesn't roll that way anyway)! Yes, he's moderately nicer than the other British settlers - you can tell he's supposed to be the sympathetic British guy because he speaks with an American accent - but that's really not saying a lot. He's still a douche. That's like saying you'd rather date an Indian Cobra than a King Cobra! Yeah, it's less dangerous, but it's still an unpleasant venomous cobra! I mean, when she first meets him, he's all ready to blow her brains out; he seemingly only relents after he remembers that the Virginia Company didn't bring along any women whatsoever, and he has to find somewhere to fire off his trouser-musket, right? How romantique! And then he disregards her native greeting, because Mel Gibson, being Mel Gibson, "prefer(s) hello". And then he calls her people "savages", which also has the unfortunate side effect of reminding everyone that Mel Gibson's Complete Savages was totally a thing that happened; the cherry on the icing on that scene's awfulness layer cake cake comes when he grabs her by the arms and refuses to let her leave. Because that's totally not an abusive way to treat women or anything! I bet you want him inside you NOW, don't you???
On top of that, in order to kinda sorta be with him, she ends up turning down Kocoum, for no good reason. He's "too serious" for her?? But nobody can take him seriously with those silly, silly bear paw nipples! Other than that, though, there's not really anything wrong with the dude. This is where the movie borrows shamelessly - and blandly - from The Little Mermaid and, well....most Disney films involving princesses, to be completely honest! "My world sucks, theirs sounds SO MUCH BETTER", she doesn't say, exactly, but it's an acceptable paraphrase. I'm sure tons of Native Americans shared those sentiments. That's why they were so happy to have their land taken over by the new and exciting white man, after all! Oh.........nevermind. Well, perhaps it would've went better if they, too, "listened with their hearts" and became fluent speakers of English in, like, five seconds, because that's TOTALLY something that happens! By the way, am I the only one who ended up occasionally losing track of when the characters were speaking actual English, as opposed to Some Tribal Language Auto-Translated to English for the Audience's Benefit? Disney could've handled the language barrier a lot more smoothly, I thought. But maybe I was just neglecting to listen with my heart also...
Anyway, I suppose you can't blame Pocahontas too much for turning him down. She IS a bit young, anyway, and she needs time to experience experiences and whatnot! That's understandable enough. However, it transitions from "understandable" to "really callously selfish" when Kocoum gets shot, partly her fault, and her only reaction is sadness, because.....she might not get to see John Smith again? Are you fucking KIDDING me??? You're not even gonna take a SECOND to mourn the dead guy over there??? In trying to portray Pocahontas in a politically correct manner, Disney has managed to frame her as kind of an awful young woman whose obstinate flightiness gets two people shot, one of them fatally, the other severely enough that they have to be shipped back to England to recover (because months at sea does WONDERS for gunshot wounds)! Unlike pretty much any other female Disney protagonist from the past who has love interests, Pocahontas ends this film alone. Unlike Pixar's Brave - not that studio's absolute greatest work, but still probably my favourite Disney-distributed princess-themed movie - it's not a noble statement about waiting until The Time Is Right or anything like that. It's not uplifting. It's just depressing. Guns are depressing. (Though, I'm really impressed at these colonial bullets that don't even make holes in clothes, let alone flesh. Why did we ever do away with those??)
Nonetheless, Pocahontas manages to still do the (ostensibly) right thing, though, by throwing herself in front of John Smith to save him from execution, at least. Because he's the one who deserves not to die? Well, okay, I guess they get a pass on this one, because it's based on an actual lie that John Smith told, as opposed to a lie that Disney made up themselves. But they certainly don't get a pass for how surprisingly dispassionate it is! Here's a scene that Disney already did fourteen years earlier, in The Fox and the Hound, with....well, with a fox and a hound. How does THIS film, with actual human people with real people personalities and, also, a much nicer budget, make that scene SO MUCH LESS impactful?? I figure it's a mix of differing approaches to the soundtrack - The Fox and the Hound - and the fact that, all told, I wouldn't be all that disappointed if Mel Gibson got shot in the face, relative to some people. Relative to, y'know, anyone else in this film, at least. Certainly, if it had to happen to someone, I'd rather it happen to him than Kocoum? At least his bear paw nipples amuse me.
By the way, I know I've been spending the last few weeks essentially complaining about the inclusion of comic relief, so I'd just like to reassure you that I don't always hate jokes. The comic relief in Pocahontas is pretty much the only thing that made it tolerable for me! I actually liked Meeko and Percy's weird burgeoning relationship! I actually thought Manservant Wiggins was a much better use of the great David Ogden Stiers' talent than the more important character that he played! ("I like gruel!" is probably the best-delivered line of the movie, but I'm weird.) If you can possibly think of a plot for a film involving Meeko and Percy and Wiggins on some sort of wacky adventure together, well, there's a very good chance that I'd rather watch that film than this one! (But it came so highly recommended!) It certainly helps that, unlike the comic relief from the last couple weeks, Meeko and Percy and Wiggins aren't terribly, unbearably flatulent, nor do they spend a lot of time referencing anachronistic celebrityfolk, nor are they Gilbert Gottfried. Still, they can't match the comic prowess of the Unamused Reaction Shot Owls - Taylor will attest to the fact that their one second of screentime got the biggest laugh of the night out of me. If only Grandmother Willow (who is not one of the best-aged CGI effects of the 1990s, by the way) had served up a few more terrible, terrible puns for their heavy-lidded benefit.....
But, alas, she didn't. The comic relief is mostly so separated from the action that it can't really save it. Governor Ratcliffe is not only the least interesting of the Renaissance villains, but he's also a terribly neglectful pet owner, evidently. AND a pretty neglectful manservant owner. You'd be better off watching ANY OTHER Renaissance-era Disney film, honestly, unless you're just THAT ENTHUSIASTIC about one-second reaction shots. But, um, it IS a really good one, to be perfectly fair.
 |
| Dogsitting week means a terribly rushed comic with awkward and inaccurate character designs! |
TERRIBLE AND UNNECESSARY AND TRAIL-BASED TEAR-INDUCING DIRECT-TO-VIDEO DISNEY SEQUEL OF THE WEEK: Senselessly and brutally slaughtering the very concept of historical accuracy, Pocahontas III: The Legend of Sacagawea features Pocahontas finally catching (multi-coloured) wind of the whereabouts of her long-missing little sister, Sacagawea (Allisyn Ashley Arm). As it turns out, she's befriended two rogue explorers by the name of Lewis Meriwether and Clark Williams (Cheech Marin and Mo Rocca), who are in the process of producing a startlingly accurate highway map of the western New World. Unfortunately, Secret Agent Ratcliffe has been freed from prison by King James' evil successor, King Damien of England (Eugene Levy) in order to be employed as a spy, with a very important mission: pilfering Lewis and Clark's highway map so that England may once again regain control of the North American freeway system. Suddenly, our heroes' only hope of survival lies in befriending Toissaint Charbonneau (Dave Coulier), a powerful lumberjack moose from outer space!
No comments:
Post a Comment